Monetary Pharmacology (a metaphor)

Prologue

I’ve been receiving plenty of emails for the past two days regarding my previous post—Occupational Medicine (I wonder why the readers don’t just leave their comment in my blog page). Lots of friends out there are quite curious about the dosage of Au$ in the treatment of the Chook-minder’s Malady. So I decided to update my previous blog entry. While doing it however, I had noticed that the ‘Treatment section’ of my article was becoming more and more complicated because of the complexities involved with Au$ as a drug of choice for the said condition. With this, I have come up with another medically-inspired literature. I hope you can still bear with me.

Instead of using the ’chemical symbol’ Au$, I decided to use the common name of our ‘drug’ which is MONEY.

Overview

The name of this ‘drug’- money originated from either of the Latin word ‘monere’ which means remind, warn or instruct; or from the Greek word ‘moneres’ which means unique or alone. The use of this drug has started since 650-600 BC by the Lydians. Today, it has been widely-used, and the most potent drug in the treatment of the wide range and most complicated conditions worldwide.

General Properties

Money is generally accepted as a drug to achieve euphoria and all its forms has been proven as a very practical and effective substance to alleviate pain and relieve anxiety. It is 1,000,000,000 times more potent than Morphine, 1,000,000 times more powerful than Paracetamol, and 1,000 times stronger than Citalopram.

No wonder, Money is the most accepted drug in Gastroenterology. It is the most preferred and often abused drug in the fields of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Urology, Cardiology, Dermatology and Occupational Medicine. Money is also the most common drug used in the areas of Surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry, Infectious Diseases, Internal Medicine, Paediatrics and Geriatrics. Just like in humans, Money is a very popular drug in Veterinary Medicine, as well.

This very mysterious drug, however, has a wide range of adverse reactions and side effects, so aside from following the recommended or standard dosage of the industry, the use of Money should be closely-guarded, regularly-monitored and properly-regulated.

Just like the injectable solution of Diazepam, Money should not be left unattended in a plastic container because of its rapid ‘inactivation’ over minutes! In its currency form, Money should be tightly kept in a secured bolt.

Classes/Forms

1. Currency

2. Credit Cards

3. Debit Cards

4. Gold, Silver, Bronze, etc.

Dosage and Administration

In case of the Chook-minder’s Malady, a fortnightly dose of ONLY Au$21/hour of hard work (regardless of the person’s body weight) is the most effective and legally acceptable dosage.

The posology of Money, however, hasn’t been established despite its existence for several eras. Its dosage always depends on the lifestyle of an identified recipient. In-vivo tests would often suggest, though, that the higher the dosage of Money, the better the action and effect is. Social standards of morality, however, vary; and there are existing studies saying that whether the dose (of Money) is increased or decreased, the action and effects are the same—it’s getting worse. Several researches are still ongoing regarding this.

The delivery of Money into the system of the recipient can be done in various ways depending on its form. Donors or sources of this drug are needed to affix their signatures or enter their personal identification numbers in order to make it legally successful. Most (if not all) of the time, just like other drugs, receiving Money has an equivalent cost. Mostly it is hard work, but there are increasing cases when ‘ill persons’ can easily acquire Money.

Ocular route is the most widely used, especially during the initial doses, though Money, like some other drugs, has a form of an ‘ear drop’ that is simply applied to the external auditory canal! Intravenous and intramuscular are considered possible, but are not recommended because there’s a danger of irreversible adverse effects when Money is directly delivered into the blood stream. Topical, oral, intra-mammary, intra-vaginal, and intra-uterine administrations are discretely performed, but they are all strongly discouraged because so many harmful effects can possibly occur. Immunodeficiency and death are just two of the most dreaded consequences.

Therapeutic Indications and Contraindications

Money (after physical transformation, please see Pharmacokinetics below) is highly indicated in the treatment of hypoglycaemia and throbbing gastrointestinal pain secondary to starvation; hypothermia secondary to homelessness or lack of appropriate clothing; dehydration and electrolyte imbalance secondary to fluid deprivation; hypo- or hyperventilation because of poor air quality, immobility and other locomotor problems.

It is only an adjunct therapy for anxiety, other types of pain, lethargy, dermatitis, dysthymia, cardiac dysrythmia, and all ‘veterinary’ concerns. Unfortunately, it has been proven that the effect of Money in Cosmetology and Surgery is purely dermatological and not systemic - which means behavioural changes in an individual are unlikely expected.

In higher doses, Money has been proven to be very effective in the emergency treatment of combined Geriatric and Paediatric cardiopathy. The drug being excreted (please see Pharmacokinetics below) by a foreign geriatric patient is still very useful in the local paediatric concerns. Its sustainable therapeutic effect, however, is less likely expected in all cases.

Money is contraindicated to all individuals suffering from an African Trypanosomiasis-like disease because it will only aggravate all the symptoms (fatigue, daytime slumber, and night-time insomnia which are all directly) associated with laziness.

Pharmacokinetics (What the body does to the drug?)

The absorption, distribution, and the localization of Money in an individual, are at this point still unclear, but extra care should be taken during administration so it won’t reach the systemic circulation.

Its ‘biotransformation’ hasn’t been explained so far, but several pharmacologic evidences strongly suggest that it remains unchanged in the system. Toxicity is therefore possible, thus ‘excretion’ of Money should be done regularly. Being excreted unchanged; Money is surely beneficial to another needy organism in the chain. Money will then undergo a process of ‘physical transformation,’ and will become goods and services.

The half-life of Money is very short! It can possibly be degraded or eliminated by the body system in just a split of a second.

Pharmacodynamics (Drug Action and Effects)

The mechanism of action of Money occurs immediately as soon as it is delivered ocularly, aurally, and topically. Upon seeing, hearing, or touching this drug, there is an immediate stimulation of the mu-opioid receptors which are widely distributed in all parts of the brain and the spinal cord. Activation of the said receptors will then result to analgesia, sedation, slightly reduced blood pressure, itching, nausea, euphoria, decreased respiration, miosis (constricted pupils) and decreased bowel motility often leading to constipation.

Special Clinical Concerns (Adverse and Side Effects)

There is a danger of addiction with Money and over-dosage will result to a wide range of clinical concerns. These adverse effects are mostly irreversible, therefore, precautionary measures should be undertaken before, during, and after its use.

The Love of Money causes all kinds of trouble. Some people want money so much that they have given up their faith and caused themselves a lot of pain! (I Timothy 6:10)

Epilogue:

I, actually, don’t know if Doc El would agree with my Monetary Pharmacology paper. Unfortunately, there’s no chance for him to comment about this anymore. I hope I can get a nod from my Pharmacology professors in CVM-USM, Dr. Rolando J. Garduque and Dr. Vingelle Bautista-Jimenez regarding this topic.